Top 10 Things Men Should Know About Women

Dec 18th, 2009 - by Lela Davidson
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I’m feeling generous this holiday season.

I wanted to give a gift to all the men in our lives. Ladies, pass the word. Men, here are the top ten things you should know about women:

10.  If you are even marginally attractive, we don’t mind when you stare at our tits. If you have any question about your marginal attractiveness, stop looking.

9.     Size matters. Any woman who tells you otherwise is either a) protecting your size-affected ego or, b) she doesn’t know any better. Either way, if you’ve got size issues she’s probably a keeper.

8.     We don’t want to smell you until we’ve committed to a skin-on-skin encounter.

7.     Funny is sexy. Owen Wilson couldn’t get laid at fat camp if he didn’t make us laugh. Skip the metro crap and figure out what makes her squirt Diet Coke through her nose.

6.     Exfoliation is our domain. Stay the hell out.

5.     Even if your wife or girlfriend never fakes it, she exaggerates.

4.     We have no patience for a four-hour erection.

3.     We would have slept with you in high school if we thought you could keep your mouth shut longer than the time it takes to rip open a condom.

2.     We thought Sex in the City was ridiculous too. That’s why we liked it.

And the number one thing men need to know about women:

1.     We don’t want honesty. We want to know that you must have us, exclusively and unceasingly. If you can’t fake that, what do you bring to the table?

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Lela Davidson

Lela Davidson is a freelance writer, columnist, and aspiring novelist. Her award-winning column, After the Bubbly, can be found in those free magazines lying around wherever women in Ann Taylor separates or yoga pants are picking up their prescriptions for antidepressants. Her novel can be found in email inboxes all over New York City.

Comments

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    Beth E. Dec 18th, 2009

    This is SO FUNNY!!!!!

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    Jenna Dec 18th, 2009

    ROFLMAO!

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    Cathy Dec 18th, 2009

    Who are the handsome dudes in the photo?

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    Debi Dec 18th, 2009

    Name the mystery men , they ARE the men *s* that we all dream about .........or are they ? This was a great piece and ssssssssssssoooooo true *s*

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    Wendi Dec 18th, 2009

    Owen Wilson couldn't get laid at fat camp--love it.

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    Anonymous Dec 18th, 2009

    Who doesn't have patience for an four hour erection!??!?! Amen to #7 - you are genius!!!

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    Angie Dec 18th, 2009

    You have outdone yourself this time. You are a genius.

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    Melanie Dec 18th, 2009

    #7 is right on. I think I would combine a couple of those into "We would have slept with you in high school if we weren't afraid of a smelly skin on skin encounter."

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    thya Dec 20th, 2009

    how about the 10 things women need to know about men?

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    Kim Dec 20th, 2009

    Lela is right on...it's not faking...it's just exaggerating! Hail to number FIVE!

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    thya Dec 22nd, 2009

    wish i knew, married for 13 years and still trying to figure it out!

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