I’m feeling generous this holiday season.

I wanted to give a gift to all the men in our lives. Ladies, pass the word. Men, here are the top ten things you should know about women:

10.  If you are even marginally attractive, we don’t mind when you stare at our tits. If you have any question about your marginal attractiveness, stop looking.

9.     Size matters. Any woman who tells you otherwise is either a) protecting your size-affected ego or, b) she doesn’t know any better. Either way, if you’ve got size issues she’s probably a keeper.

8.     We don’t want to smell you until we’ve committed to a skin-on-skin encounter.

7.     Funny is sexy. Owen Wilson couldn’t get laid at fat camp if he didn’t make us laugh. Skip the metro crap and figure out what makes her squirt Diet Coke through her nose.

6.     Exfoliation is our domain. Stay the hell out.

5.     Even if your wife or girlfriend never fakes it, she exaggerates.

4.     We have no patience for a four-hour erection.

3.     We would have slept with you in high school if we thought you could keep your mouth shut longer than the time it takes to rip open a condom.

2.     We thought Sex in the City was ridiculous too. That’s why we liked it.

And the number one thing men need to know about women:

1.     We don’t want honesty. We want to know that you must have us, exclusively and unceasingly. If you can’t fake that, what do you bring to the table?