Can I get an ankle bracelet to monitor my bread intake?

Lindsay Lohan, move over. I've got fish to fry too.

I have a big event to go to in one week and I'm trying to squeeze into one of my favorite dresses. Ok, so it's a two year old dress and perhaps I've let things slide but a bit. (Note: It's amazing what can happen to your middle in such a short time.) Two weeks ago, I managed, with the help of one of my kids, to get it zipped up but I can't sit down, or breath too easily, let alone lift my arms above my shoulders.

My husband, noting the distress on my face, suggested going for the shapewear.

"I'm wearing the friggin shapewear!" I declared with clenched teeth.

"Well, maybe you should watch what you eat?", he countered.

Oh, d'uh...state the obvious. Don't you love it when guys know all the answers? All I can say is that if I could have lifted my arms, I would have thrown something at him. I know that's what I have to do, but I don't want anyone else to tell me that.

Forget the Gwyneth diet pointers and the Baby Food trend, I vowed to eliminate all bread until the event. I just need to be able to sit in that dress... no olympic dancing required.

Last night at dinner, the waiter came by with a basket filled with an assortment of warm crusty rolls...including ones with raisins and nuts. Instant beads of sweat appeared on my upper lip. I felt dizzy.

"No thank you," I said as if it wasn't a big deal. But inside I was screaming, "Forget my entree and giving me the whole f**ing basket".

Lindsay, I feel your pain.