Almost Doesn't Count

Sep 29th, 2009 - Susan Aronson and Kate Meyers

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This script was read and loved by every agent in NYC and like 99.8% of all great scripts, it was NEVER made.

ALMOST DOESN'T COUNT is the story of two single women, who share a history of bad dating and decide to do something outrageous about it. The excerpt below follows one of the women and the crazy ass dinner she has with her mother in New York City.

INT/HUNAN TASTE RESTAURANT: WESTSIDE /EARLY EVENING

RANDI and her mother, SHIRLEY sit and have dinner.

            RANDI
                (sputtering)
        This is SO spicy.

She grabs a glass of water.
            
            SHIRLEY
        You ate the pepper.

            RANDI
              (Still coughing)
        Did not.

            SHIRLEY
        You did. I saw you.

            RANDI
        It was a string bean.

            SHIRLEY
        Pepper. I saw it with my own eyes.

            RANDI
        Mother…do you always have to have the last word?

It's a staring showdown.

            SHIRLEY
        Pepper.

Randi concedes and changes the subject.

            RANDI
        Why didn't Dad come in for dinner?

            SHIRLEY
        He had to work late so he's going to meet me at the
        theater.
    
            RANDI
        Where did you get the tickets?

            SHIRLEY
        A client of his.
            
            RANDI
        Do you know what the show is about?

            SHIRLEY
        Of course I do.

            RANDI
        Does Dad?

            SHIRLEY
        I think so.

            RANDI
        He's going to hate it.

            SHIRLEY
        Don't be so sure.

            RANDI
        Mom, what makes you think he's going to enjoy watching
        a musical puppet show about love, homosexuals,
        drug use and porn?

            SHIRLEY
        It won a Tony.

            RANDI
        Ten to one he doesn't make it through the First Act.

Shirley extends her hand and they shake.

            SHIRLEY
        You're on. Did you ever hear from Cy?

            RANDI
        Here it comes....

            SHIRLEY
        Seriously, did he ever call you back?

            RANDI
        No. He wasn't interested and neither was I.
            
            SHIRLEY
        Oh.
            
            RANDI
        Oh?
            
            SHIRLEY
        Just oh. (a beat) Not much out there, huh?

            RANDI
        Not much at all.

            SHIRLEY
        One day you'll meet someone truly terrific. Someone
        who will knock our socks off.

            RANDI
        Like Dad.

            SHIRLEY
        Your Dad is a wonderful man.

            RANDI
        Did he knock your socks off?

            SHIRLEY
        In what way?

            RANDI
        Sexual?
    
            SHIRLEY
        Never.

            RANDI
        Did anyone?

            SHIRLEY
                    (pondering)
        There was one…

            RANDI
        You're kidding…

            SHIRLEY
        He not only knocked my socks off…he blew off my shoes.

            RANDI
        Mom!

            SHIRLEY
        You asked.

            RANDI
        What happened to him?

            SHIRLEY
        I have no idea…it was so long ago.

            RANDI
        Where you married to Dad then?

            SHIRLEY
        Of course not.

            RANDI
        So what about Dad knocks your socks off?

            SHIRLEY
        I don't know honey…he's a big pain in the ass
        and I love him.

            RANDI
        That's it?

            SHIRLEY
        He's my best friend. Always marry for friendship. It's the only
        thing that lasts.

            RANDI
        Do you ever have sex?

            SHIRLEY
        If I have to…

            RANDI
        Mom, it's always a pleasure having dinner with you.

            SHIRLEY
        Same.

            RANDI
        We better get the check or you're going to be late.

            SHIRLEY
        Can I say one thing?

            RANDI             
        Here it comes again…

            SHIRLEY
        I really do want you to find a man that you can love.

            RANDI
        I do too.

            SHIRLEY
        Good…because you can't stop looking.

            RANDI
        Believe me Mom, I'm still looking.

Shirley puts the two unopened fortune cookies in her bag.

            RANDI
        I saw that.

            SHIRLEY
        For intermission.

                            CUT TO:  

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Susan Aronson and Kate Meyers

These two Pittsburgh born and bred gals have been friends for 35 years. They are very competitive when it comes to trying to make each other laugh. One time Kate made Susan laugh so hard that she busted an ovary. Susan got back at her when she made Kate pass a partially melted Krispy Klondike through her nose. Kate's writing appears occasionally on this website and always on her fabulous blog IAMMINIVAN.COM. Susan's writing appears exclusively on mypheme.com...except for the pieces she sold to other networks so she could start this site.

Comments

  • All great confessions come over Chinese food...is it the MSG?

    Jill – Sep 30th, 2009

  • I think you should send this to the producers of ENTOURAGE and have Vince play Shirley. Drama could be Randi although Turtle would be sweeter.

    Betsy – Sep 30th, 2009

  • I was one of the agents that had an early look at this and I have to tell you that this might have been the only scene that didn't have fuck in it.

    A.B. – Oct 1st, 2009

  • The comments are funnier than the script!

    M.M. – Oct 1st, 2009

  • Is M.M. a guy?

    Beth E. – Oct 1st, 2009

  • This is cute.

    Sharie – Oct 2nd, 2009

  • sometimes moms share a little too much...

    just kidding. very funny. id see the film!

    Elle – Oct 8th, 2009

Sorry! Comments are currently closed for this entry. If you've got feedback or comments you'd like to share please give us a shout at info@mypheme.com

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