Hair: The Non-Musical
When a wife and mother of two in the prime of her life makes the shocking discovery that she is descended from Methodist werewolves, she employs a mythical device to help hide her gruesomeness from her family and the world at large.
I’m driving the other day with the sunroof open (in keeping with California state law). As I glance in the rear view mirror, the sunlight hits my face at just the right angle and [cue slasher theme from “Psycho”] I make the grisly discovery that I am the fourth member of ZZ Top.
I am used to being a girl who has the typical, factory-installed amount of hair with standard default settings for location and density. But this? This is beyond the occasional wax-the-downy-soft-peach-fuzz-from-my-upper-lip-type situation.
My cheek looks like an old tennis ball.
Benefits to having robust facial fur:
* Helps preserve body heat if you get lost while glacier-climbing.
* Auto mechanics take you seriously.
* Children’s friends aren’t sure who you are, but they friggin’ mind you.
* Going to a wedding? You can braid festive baby’s breath along your jaw line.
I try plucking. I try waxing. Still I have more nap than a rumpus room carpet. It quickly becomes apparent that I have no choice but to seek superior firepower. Enter the Bosch “Smooth Operator” Two-Speed, Three-Headed Epilator with Faux Python Holster.
How hard can it be, right? I’ve been through childbirth twice. I’ve had food poisoning. I’ve worked in PR. I’ve known agony.
I begin, say, next to my right ear. Bzzzzz. The tiny metal wheels turn furiously, grabbing those fuzzy hairs by the throat and yanking them out at a rate of, I don’t know, a thousand per millisecond? (I’m just ball-parking here.)
I can do this. A slight sting, maybe a prickle. But it’s worth it, right? After all, somewhere under that turf is my old face. (Well, that didn’t come out right.)
I move on to my cheek. BZZZZZZZ. The machine sounds different now, like it’s kicked into a lower gear. I’m glad I spent extra for the turbo model. My eyes are starting to water a bit, but by God, I’m no wuss. I hold an image in my mind of what I used to look like before I started channeling Burl Ives.
The chin. A veritable thicket. BZZZZZZZ. Die, little hair bastards, die! Ha-ha! I swear I can hear them screaming as they are torn from their follicular bunkers. Oh, wait. That’s my voice.
The upper lip: last remaining pelt outpost. Also the repository of approximately 8.2 gazillion nerve endings, each with its own, quivering plume holding on for dear life. I pause, blowing the smoke and singed fringe from the end of my appliance as I give the stinkeye to the little hairs in the mirror. I look very badass indeed in my woven serape, hat pulled low over my eyes and the brown stub of a cigarillo screwed into the corner of my mouth.
I am no stranger to torment, my friend. Only one shall leave the bathroom today. The other shall perish, living on only in children’s folk songs and Etch-A-Sketch art.
::click:: BZZZZZZZ.
The machine surges and bucks but I hang on, pushing again and again into the plush frontier of my upper lip. I try to wave the burning hair away from my teary, bloodshot eyes as I release a primal shriek, but it’s coming in waves now, like grass clippings shooting out the side of a lawnmower.
Just before I black out, I have a vision of what awaits when I come to. I’m splayed on the bathroom floor in super-high-waisted jeans that have not seen natural sunlight since 1996, surrounded by neighborhood children and a few stray dogs, all staring curiously at the now-drained device snarled in the underbrush of my upper lip.
My secret is out. Soon everyone in the public school will know that I am…
THE WEREWOLF.
(Catch more of Anna Lefler at her blog, LIFE KEEPS GETTING WEIRDER!)
Anna Lefler
Anna Lefler is a humorist, novelist and standup comic who has performed in Los Angeles clubs including the Hollywood Improv and the Comedy Store. She often can be found loafing in a recliner on her humor blog, Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder, where she composes odes to hash browns and ponders what a Jedi smells like. Anna lives in Santa Monica with her husband, their daughter and son, and some sarcastic dogs.
Comments
Anna, you are a genius. So, so funny. And I'm glad you made it out of Thunderdome alive.
This was VERY funny and well-written. There is not link on your site to follow you on Twitter that I could find. I would like to read more (much more) of stories like this. Maybe you could compile them into an ebook and sell it through Amazon. I can't wait for more...
This just made my morning. I love to start the day with a good laugh, and I can SO relate. You are one funny lady.
You have no idea how much it pains me to say -- I totally relate.
Don't forget to rub in some Rogaine cream afterwards. It's really soothing.
Anna -- Brilliant as always! Of course, I can't help but wonder if the guys of ZZ Top wear Mom Jeans...;-P xo - Ki
"The machine surges and bucks but I hang on" ... dear Anna, just what part of you were epilating?
PS - I'm starting to recede. Can I rub my forehead against your cheek in hope its contagious?
Cheers!
Anna: Thank you breaking up my day, if not my marriage. Thank God you didn't start mowing your lawn on the highway.
Seriously? the photo at the top? Lets just cut the crap and go for it. Who's with me.
That is simply beautiful.
I spared no expense nine years ago and went for the "permanent" laser hair removal. It was fantastic for eight years and then one morning I woke up and I looked like that redheaded kid who's going to win Top Chef this season.
Fried gold, my friend. And also the reason why I just plan on setting fire to my facial hair instead of going through that trauma. I'm sure this will end well.
You rock, Lefler. The funniest person I'll ever know (and the one with the most heart, to boot)
You crack me up! That was hilarious! I'll be keeping my sunroof closed (state law or not). The less I see reflected in my rear view mirror, the better :)
I bow in your general direction, funny girl.
Anna,
you killed me! I love, love, love it. Can't get enough of your spectacular sense of humor. You are unique!!!
::click:: Buzz
Kevin
I feel so validated.
Kumbaya my lord, kumbaya...
Great piece, Anna!
So nice to know I'm not the only Wookie in the golden state.
"My cheek looks like an old tennis ball."
Brilliant! I need to remember that one. So funny--you made my day.
I jut discovered a hair the length of CLEVELAND growing under my chin, and have GROUNDED my children for not telling me. However, now I understand why the little Chinese girl in my class was pointing to her chin and laughing yesterday.
This was one of the best written and funniest pieces I've ever seen on the Internet. That being said, I have fur growing on the left side of my face only. Being blond I assume no one can see it.
I also believe in the Easter Bunny.
Anna, this is hilarious! You are so funny and out there. What a mind you have. Thank you for being. xoxoxoxo
I knew I must not be able to see the forest for the trees several years ago when my 21 year old SON told me I needed to shave!
Thanks for making me laugh out loud, Anna. You're brilliant.
Thanks for a great laugh. My sides hurt. You are sooooo funny girl.
Very funny!!! Good to know I am not the only one turning into a sasquatch.
This is hilarious! I'm definitely NOT going to get a magnifying mirror or ride in convertible any time soon. There are some things I don't want to know.
This was FABULOUS!!!!! Loved it. Always enjoy laughing at your great sense of humor, Anna!
I agree with Happy Hour Sue. Where's the 'stache Lefler? Cut the crap is right! *giggle*
Who is that normal person in the photo?
STACHE FREEDOM *in the voice of Mel in Braveheart*
Okay Anna, you are a valid spokesperson for women of a certain age with follicle adversaries. However, imagine your plight with sista-gurl hair. Yeah, I'm talking little Afros adorning one’s chin. God, I know you love us but ... Great story, Anna. Keep ‘em coming!
Anna - very comforting to know that a talented, beautiful woman like yourself actually has flaws!
She is SOOOOOO funny!
I am lost without my tweezers.
That was hilarious! Made me laugh out loud. Lots of us can relate!!
"lady beard" is my pirate name... that was hilarious!
I fear that I have passed my hairy self to my daughter.
Brilliant, Anna!
I've learned 2 things recently.
1. The hair under my arms and on my legs are beginning to diminish. Not so much hair any more.
2. That hair is now growing on my chin.
I keep a pair of tweezers in my car because the lighting is perfect for showing me every single hair on my face. Now I have something to do at red lights.
This is the funniest story! Had a truly hardy laugh reading it! I was just telling a friend that I needed a complete face wax instead of just the upper lip! Keep the humor coming!
I fail to see the humor here. I'm retraumatized now that you've brought back memories of my first bikini wax at the local beauty school when I was 16. All the hair grew back by the time the scabs healed. Seriously, though, you are one hilarious writer! Thanks for the laughs.
and here i thought you were the walrus.
best of luck in your future shearing endeavors!
I shaved my face once in 8th grade. It's come back to haunt me.
You are so funny it hurts.
"You can braid festive baby’s breath along your jaw line." and...I love you. And not just b/c of your foxy new pic at the end sans moustachied honker and glasses.
Well, Anna, you have me looking in my OWN rear view mirror! Great piece! One of these daze I'll see you in person...with comedy, that is! Also want to visit in CA.
Sara XO
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